You are visiting Uganda's capital, Kampala and are desperate to understand how locals 'do things'. These 10 insider tips will help you escape unnecessary extortion and stress; and will help you practice the old adage 'When you are in Rome, do what the Romans do'.
1. Show more appreciation for Caucasians than you do Asians (Indians, Pakistani's and Chinese; in that order) and Africans. The unspoken rule seems to be 'interarctions with whites could be more fruitful.' You will notice how, for instance, locals will wait upon a caucassian who does not need their help or attention and ignore a needy person of colour.
2. Skip queues especially if you are male and there are a few women and children in front of you. However do not be surprised when a woman who knows her rights 'barks' at you. Respond by pretending you did not see the ten people you found on the queue before retreating to the back of the queue.
3. Carry a small handbag and leave your equally small ragsack if you plan to shop at certain supermarkets including Shoprite (Lugogo) and Quality Supermarket (Ntinda). The staff there seem to imagine that carriers of back packs are shoplifters. They don't care if you also use your backpack as your day bag. Interestingly they do not extend their suspicions to carriers of large handbags. You have been warned.
4. Learn to stare. Stare long and hard whenever the opportunity presents itself. And there are many opportunities: the baby on a woman's back, a mixed race couple, a passing dog, the neighbours wheels. Stare at anyone and anything really. But you must not turn away when the person you are staring at becomes uncomfortable.
5. Become an expert at hitching boda boda (motorised bicycles widely used in public transport) rides. But dont just ride alone; make the ride as dramatic as you can each time you hire a boda boda. Try using boda to move you and two of your mature goats through Kampala road during peak hours (morning or evening rush hour). Occassionally let your family of five (which includes a 6-month old baby) all ride on the same boda with you.
6. Stock on 'matoke' (a banana-based staple food of the Baganda community that predominantly lives in Kampala and its environs) and serve it as often as you can.
7. Customise your car lisence plates (registration number). This will not only massage your ego. It will also give others an additional 'something' to stare at and give you a sense of heightened 'respect'. Examples of existing plates include GHETTO, AYA, BAFFUDDE, ETOO '08, U AND JAZZ.
8. Ignore everyone else as you shop around town in your 'chikumi' (most affordable cars in Uganda - Corolla's and Corona's). Buy live dog puppies, airtime, groceries, toys, electronics and newspapers after parking your car right in the middle of a busy road.
9. Use suggestive body language to demand a tip everytime you do your job and while you are at it be sure to ignore or avoid any shoppers and patrons who you suspect could give you little or no tip.
10. Acquire a new unconventional past time such as picking your notes for 10 - 15 minutes in a row, in public; and watching 90 minutes of European premier soccer league from shop windows.
Romosh
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